From: Melynda Xxxxxxx
Sent: Sunday, November 14, 2004 8:24 PM
Subject: I need your help and prayers

Dear Fr. Degrandis,
I have heard such wonderful things about you and your ministry. I have read several books/pamphlets that you have written and always found them very helpful and healing. At a prayer meeting when a women was reading a healing and forgiveness prayer you had written I had a profound experience. So, I come to you with an expectant heart.

I know that Jesus Christ is the source of all healing. I have been praying the "Miracle Prayer" at the back of one of your pamphlets on the Eucharist. I simply do not seem to be getting an answer or guidance.

I have been married for 29 years. We have 2 children, a boy(28 yrs old, married with one son living in Xxxxxxx XX) and a daughter (24 yrs old, engaged living in town, Xxxxxxxx, XX). My husband is abusive. More than anything is unbelievably angry. He goes off the deep end at little things and big things. It seems to me, that I am not allowed to be a normal person with my own weaknesses. If I complain at him about anything, it may very likely set him off. I try not to, but I guess I am not a good enough person. I don't mean that tritely. I know that St. Monica endured a great deal as a result of her husband and mother-in-law. It just seems that nothing seems to work. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. We are have gone to a Christian counselor 3 times, together to address why he gets so angry. The counselor said that my husband is taking out his anger towards his mother on me. I have thought that for a very long time and I have tried to get my husband to see it, but he only seems to go ok and that's where it ends. He was raised with a harsh and what I consider an abusive father. His dad had a good heart, but whenever one of his kids said something he didn't like, they got smacked across the face. He also took the belt to them. I could go into all sorts of family history, but bottom line, they were taught how to be a bully and not how to deal with any emotions. To add insult to injury, their mom would do nothing about it. Even when one son was getting knocked around by the father and she was downstairs where it could be heard, she did absolutely nothing. My husband said one day when our son was in school and had gotten in trouble for something, that I thought my children were the best thing in the world. I responding telling him that if I couldn't (as their mother), who could. He responded by saying that his mother didn't.

I love my husband and I believe he loves me. We both believe that marriage is a life long commitment. He goes to Mass, Confession and even has (and has for many years) a spiritual director who is a wonderful priest. I just don't know what to do because I don't handle his anger well, frankly, I don't know how anyone could.

Please pray that God will give me clear guidance, no matter what it is. If he is asking me to leave this marriage, then to give me the grace not to feel that I am doing something awful, and if he simply wants me to endure, how to do it better. I my hope is that he will heal this marriage!

I hope you are healing and doing well. You are in my prayers.
Thanks so much for being there!
Love and God Bless.
Yours in Christ,

From: Eugene Peter Koshenina
Date: Saturday, November 20, 2004 9:46 AM
To: <>
Subject: Your message of 11/17/04

Hi Melynda,
I am so sorry for the problems which seem so symptomatic of our sad world. When I was young I developed a great anger. I think it was from frustration at how difficult people were to deal with. I remember chopping a whole pile of wood, and my Dad would laugh in amusement at how hard and furiously I chopped it - pieces flew everywhere. He didn't try to find out where this anger was coming from; in fact, he may not have known it was anger..

But I got lucky. At the age of twenty I met and married a wonderful lady who was with me until her death in 1994. She was so caring and giving that I was very happy my whole married life. I remarried in 1999 and am still so very lucky, as my lovely new wife is so sensible and kind, in spite of the tremendous hardships she has endured.

There are so many catalysts for anger. Difficult job, people, finances, feeling irritable, not living the dream we seem to see in others, etc. Of course, we don't see behind the scenes, as that is well hidden for the most part. But everybody has a cross to bear. That is the great gift that will enable us to receive great graces which will be ours forever. Remember, the graces from charity are the only virtues that belong to us forever; faith and hope pass away.

The most important thing people with anger must keep before their eyes is that we are going to lose our free will at death. We can go to mass, receive the sacraments, and do all we think we need to do. But if this is not coupled with active love, of what value is it in the eyes of Christ? What will He have to turn into everlasting
reward? Anyone can go to church. Jesus can make a rock go to church if He wishes, and he can ordain priests among us that appear to be ordinary people. Jesus said, "Do you think it takes robes for me to make my priests!"

So we must cherish the two great gifts God has given to us for a short while: they are time and free will. With these gifts we must attain all the blessings we can, while we still can. Once we die this part is all over. We will be brilliant, we will clearly see what we did not while in our dull state on earth. How ashamed we will be if we haven't lived a life that Jesus will bless by putting His robe on us before he presents us to His Father. Our robe is not like that of Jesus'. Without Jesus' robe, we will see ourselves as so uncomely it will cause unimaginable pain for us to be seen this way by
Our Father and everyone else.

Take care, may God bless you and your dear family.
Love, Gene. (For Fr. Robert DeGrandis, S.S.J.)